Journal Entry 1

what to do, i told my father that i want to become famous. Because i want it to be when i go to hospital, people will know who i am and not look down on me. And also, i like this guy, so i wanna be famous so that i can increase my chances of performing in front of him and being with him.
Then, he kept telling me to EAT MEDICINE! 吃药! 吃药! CHHHIII YAO! Im really sick of it. I said, wanting to be famous, does not mean you are SICK. And the only thing that came out from his mouth is to 吃药! He doesn't explain why being famous is bad, he doesn't explain why i shouldn't be famous. He did say i can be famous by studying really well and u'll be famous by doing that. But that's not what I want to be famous in. He doesn't tell me about explanations and reasons about certain things in detail like fame.
And whenever he SHOUTS 吃药! He always think of his daughter as mentally ill. Why can't he see his daughter as a normal person?! And advice normally?! I said, if you have Vitamin B complex for me, I would eat EVERYDAY. As you know you might think the pills are MEDicine, but, do you know it negatively affects your health?! Yr physical health? Like when I got my injections of medicine Paliperidone, my breast kept coming out MILK. And i know the devastating effects on my health. And i told my father, if i eat medicine, it might be detrimental to my health, because I am a WOMAN. What if I can't get pregnant anymore?What the medicine made me not able to give birth anymore? Do u know we r not supposed to eat lithium when we are pregnant? What health implications do u think?
I said I will eat medicine when i feel like im going to lose control. I want to eat VITAMINS everyday instead.
Do u know the whole time he KEPT SHOUTING EAT MEDICINE, and NOT explaining things just makes me feel dirty shitty.
I said it's not like you ask someone to EAT MEDICINE the person will be well one neh. You have to help and see that person's environment, there's are many other factors that u have to see for a person's recovery. There r many aspects, psycho-social. He disputes that. Saying everything is the same just eat medicine.
You know every time he thinks that I'm a psycho I get very upset. And the more he goes on about it, screaming 吃药! And nothing else, I get suicidal. I want to kill myself to make a statement.
Help.
PS. Plus, now im having exams and im getting very emotional abt this! Damn it!