The past - Letter of Suicide - written on Sunday 15/7/2012 8:39am

Sunday 15/7/2012 8:39am

Letter of Suicide

Verses and Bible only made me feel better. But it paramountly didn't deter me from wanting to kill myself, to end it all. Mama, papa,

I TOLD you I didn't want to end up in IMH. I TOLD you I DON'T want to stay in IMH anymore. But you still sent me there! When I am in IMH, you REFUSED to pick up your phone calls. You CHANGED your handphone number and not let me know my house ph

Wee Peng, YOU Didn't come and VISIT, see how SAD and TORTURED is your sister is! As I write I feel tears welling up from my chest.

Basically, I want to kill myself to end my life, to stop living, to die SO THAT YOU, papa mama, WILL REGRET for the rest of your Lives!

I remember Joshua Tan Wei Rong my cousin, said SO MUCH hurtful words to me when he visited me at the hospital. These words makes me wanna kill myself even MORE! Jonathan Tan Wei Xian, Aunties and Uncles of mine, but I like Ah Nm, Kim Hong. I like Kim Hong. But Ah Pek, Tan Seng Boon said some detrimental stuff to me. Most of all it is Joshua Tan Wei Rong, my cousin. I feel so sad and broken when Joshua make me cry. End of the world.

Mum and Dad, I TOLD you I HATE Sa pek! I HATE Uncle Rudy Tan Seng Kok! I want to make him sad! I want to make him sad that I left the world because of him! No words can describe how I feel about him.

All in all, I feel deVASTATED that I land up in IMH again. for the fifth time. Sarah Ann Tay the stupid casemanager didn't help me feel better. Doctor Sujatha RAO RAOed at me. I hate her. I hate to stay in IMH I REALLY HATE it!

The very thought that my life is going to be in and out in and out of IMH makes me want to kill myself to end it all!

I have given up my hopes of being an influential singer songwriter. On facebook, on Youtube, because IMH has ruined my life Ms Janine Kok Wan Yoke the stupid A&E doctor who admitted me on 10 April 2012 ruined my life. Mrs Goh that fat female doctor who wrongly diagnosed me as schizophrenia and restrained me from observation room in my first visit. I am Bipolar Mania and I'm proud of it.

Staying in IMH with crazy patients makes me crazy.

I feel useless. I feel helpless. Even God cannot help me. Although I believe in God . It's not that He is too weak to help me. But it is my hardened heart. I hate my life. I feel like killing myself, and go to heaven. I hate my mum and dad, I hate my uncle Rudy/Rudi Tan Seng Kok!

Even my Happy life I am not happy at all, Even my life, it is not happy at all. My life is so different now. My laptop, macbook is gone. Thanks to Mr Rudy/Rudi Tan Seng Kok.

I hate myself.

When I die, I want this letter of suicide to be read, even to my father's sister Katherine and Victor Ng. That family didn't help me at all. Much less that John Paul's mom and dad didn't help me too. Sleep eat sleep is all we can do in IMH, I really feel like killing myself. Then I don't need to be tortured anymore. Dua Nm and Ronald Tan Seng Bao. No one visited me.

To my church members, I'm sorry.

To Charmaine Lee Shufen and friends of EPIP, I'm sorry.

I try to shorten my words. I'm out of breath.

I need someone to sayang my head. I need someone to sayang my forehead. Sometimes Mama didn't do it. I will miss you Mama.

There is no life living in IMH. If I die, will you be happier? Run, fall, run, fall, run fall again. I don't want to run anymore la. I want them to miss me when I'm gone.

Living in IMH is like hell. I want to escape from hell.

My plan is that I would get my writings about IMH, negative ones to be published in the newspapers, broadcast on TVs and magazines then I will leave this world.

I hate myself because I failed to live my life. I failed. To get what I want. I failed in getting myself in IMH again and again and again. I failed to live how I want to live! I feel that life is meaningless because I am an inpatient of IMH Singapore!!! No!!!...

Elaine, as you read this, please be informed that I want this particular picture showned on beingmyselfgen.blogspot.com to be on my cemetery. And on my coffin. I will take a picture of myself and upload there soon. I would accept no other pictures to be on my coffin and cemetery. And my will is that ALL my things, my belongings I pass it on to my sister which is you, Elaine. She will be able to sleep on my bed and dream of me every night. AND I want the Christian verse on my coffin and ceremony to be John 10:10 Jesus came to give life, and life more abundantly. My motto for my life is that.

Please tell papa that I want that particular photo on my blog to be on my coffin for my coffin photo.

Please allow The Straits Times and many other newspaper agencies and TV and magazines to interview our home, interview papa, mama you but NOT Sa pek. I hate Sa pek.

And to my death, I will NOT allow Third uncle to harass my younger sister from today onwards. Especially my mother.

As I leave, I want to warn you guys, Do not scold my mum. Do not blame anything on her that she caused my death. I love my mother. But blame my father, Tan Seng Hai for bringing me to IMH. I want my mother to cry for me and then live a happy life without her husband scolding her for the rest of her life.

Want to blame? Blame Mr Rudy/Rudi Tan Seng Kok and my father. Heartless Uncle. Bast.

I want to die before my grandma Ah Ma dies. I want to die before Chinese new year on February 2013. And until I finish my work on the publishing of the horrible service at IMH. It is youR FAULT IMH, and IT IS for TORTURING me in the bloody hospital. Especially Annie Woo Suet Heng who shouts everyday like a fishmonger.

I've wasted my life in IMH. I sit around doing absolutely nothing every single day. I hate my life. Unless I can be a famous singer-songwriter. It would take my mind off dying.

You've wasted my life in IMH. I'm not happy with my life anyway. With that uncle Victor Ng, father of James Ng my cousin trying to taunt me when I go to his bloody house on Chinese New Year. I don't feel some warm love from him.

Aiya, I dunno la, dying has always been a secret part of me. Ever since I now step into IMH. Did I ever tell you. When the ambulance was called this year April 2012, I felt like jumping down from the 8^th floor parapet and hoping to die you know!!! It feels like a secret that nobody knows, as I walk in the streets of I.M.H. Brought In by Morons Hospital. I rather DIE then come into IMH again.

I want this suicide letter to be published in and out of IMH, to let them know how terriBLE IMH is that people RATHER DIE then go inside!

I am not suicidal, nor depressed. Although I am suicidal. But it is situational, seeing circumstance, it is only when I am sent to IMH, that I would be suicidal! I didn't used to be like this.

To: Ah Ma, my grandmother, I do love you, but why didn't you visit me in the hospital when I was away? Sigh. I dunno, I'm hospitalised but my grandmother is away from me. No 5 cent sweet for me anymore. I want her to know my death before she dies.

For more information about my life, visit IMHospitalgen.blogspot.com and my complete profile and 40 blogs there.

No, I don't want My Rudy/Rudi Tan Seng Kok to interfere in all these, I died because of him.

20/7/2012 Friday IMH

3/8/2012 Friday 5:06pm

As I listen to My Heart's Stereo on the radio, I don't even feel happy. In fact I feel like the world outside won't understand IMH patients. That I'm gonna die soon. Nobody would know. Nobody would understand. I'm dying soon. Usually when I listen to good music, I get high and happy. But not this time. I in fact feel there's no meaning in life. I'm gonna die anyway. As I read my suicide note, I can't help but tears well up inside my eyes. Even Orchard's Scape* can't even deter me from wanting to commit suicide. Will I go to hell? I won't la. Jesus will understand my feelings. I don't want to go too deep into it. Grief and hurt flood my life. EspeciALLY the thought of being jailed at IMH. Wao, that thought can simply make me want to kill myself to end it all. End this torturous life. The End.

3/8/2012 Friday 5:28pm

        Cont'd – Suicide Note 2

        Only Live my Life by Far East Movement could cheer me up now. =D=)=P I guess techno makes a difference And Far East Movement runs far. Not to forget Jesus makes me feel better too, But still......... Everyday I stare blankly at the TV in the hospital. The Hospital. =(:( For Four months Five bloody months!!!! F*! I hate my life! :''( Those who I would share this suicide side of me are people would I consider really close to me. So appreciate it. Don't send me back to IMH again. God please. Yup. I'm not psychotic, I'm backslidder. Redeemed by the blood of Jesus I wanna go up to heaven soon. My American Boy. Genevieve's inside story to Genevieve's inner circle.

        I'm sorry church friends, my mind is so clouded now I can't think really straight. Sigh. But I know what I went though... I am/was so clouded with wanting to kill myself FOR MY PARENTS. That I leave a legacy behind when I die. I don't want you guys – my church mates to look at me in a twisted eye. Because I did the unfathomable. The suicide. It's a very long story, church. Maybe I'll say it over video.

5/8/2012 Sunday 7:25pm

        My ____dy Father came just now. Why do I have to be so miserable? Why do I feel so miserable??! I guess I cannot die in my house already, I have to find somewhere else and somehow to die.

27/8/2012 Monday 9:24pm

        Please include this verse in my deathbed. John 11:25 Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die.” I believe in Jesus. I will live in heaven forever after I die. Believe in me.